YOU ARE NOT GOD

"YOU ARE NOT GOD" my husband said to me. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like I was a deer in headlights. In that moment, it clicked. I was not God. I had just shared with my husband my anxiety surrounding a situation related to my work. With being 100% HIPAA compliant with no names or identifying details, I shared with him a patient of mine that I had seen recently unexpectedly died. I didn't anticipate their death. This caused a lot of anxiety on my part because I was questioning myself "what did I miss?". You see, it doesn't help that I am a worrier with a type A personality. I like to be in control. I like to know what is up ahead and be prepared for it. I've played the game of "what did I miss" for quite some time. Years to be more specific. Since working as a neonatal nurse practitioner in the neonatal intensive care unit then working as a family nurse practitioner in primary care, I have always allowed myself to go down the deep rabbit hole of questioning the situation when unexpected events occurred. I definitely took it to heart even if there was nothing that could have been done differently. Doing so has caused great anxiety and self doubt. The devil at his finest speaking lies into my ear about my worth. The instance where I obsessed the most over "what did I miss" was my own son's death. For months, I replayed in my head every single detail of the days and hours leading up to him passing. I wrestled with it day and night trying to make sense of what happened. Could his death have been prevented? What did I miss? Why did my years of medical training not pick up on what was about to happen? At the time of his death, we knew it was illness related but we didn't have specific answers as to what. We waited an excruciating 4 months for the autopsy report to find out it was invasive group a strep. In other terms, he had a undetected and aggressive strep infection in his blood that spread to his organs. Talk about difficult to process....even more so with my background of healthcare. I couldn't wrap my head around why and how he got strep when he didn't present in the typical manner of classic sepsis.

In the months following the autopsy results, I doubted myself...a lot.

I asked God "why"... a lot.

Why did God take my son?

Why couldn't I have stopped him from dying?

Why did he not appear more ill than what he was?

Have you caught yourself asking God similar questions of "why"? Have you wrestled with the unsettled feeling in your soul too?

I used to feel shame and guilt surrounding my continued conversations with God on why He would take my son. You know some people say not to question God but is questioning God in fact ok? I don't think He is upset that I'm questioning Him, I think he is happy that I am actually. You see, by questioning God and bringing your thoughts, feelings, and hurt to Him shows Him you want a relationship. You are searching Him for answers, peace, and comfort instead of trying to find it in the world. The opposite would be completely turning away from Him and ignoring Him all together. In my opinion, that is worse than questioning Him. Even if you are angry, deeply saddened, and broken bring it to him my friend. He can handle every single emotion.

You may have heard of Job in the Bible. Job endured trial after trial. In the first chapter of Job it states Satan takes Job's property and children. Satan then attacks his health. Job then curses the day he was born. Job states he feels like his life has no hope. Job questions "where is God?". He questions God time and time again and pleads with God for answers.

Man, does that sound familiar to you? I know I have thought in my dark valleys that my life has no hope. I have pleaded and questioned God time after time.

But, then God speaks to Job in chapter 38 by saying "Job, where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding". God goes on to say "Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness? Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare, if you know all this". God continues on in chapter 39 asking Job question after question about his ability or knowledge. Job then answers God in chapter 42 by saying "I know you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted...Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not understand". After Job wrestles with God about his trials and then surrenders, God restores and doubles Jobs fortunes.

I think there is something to learn from all of this. You and I are like Job in that we are not immune to the trials and blows that this life can hurl. There will be things in your journey that you cannot understand or control. You are not God. I am not God. As we release the reigns of control that we desperately want to have over our lives we reveal to God our trust in Him. I read the book of Job after the conversation my husband and I had. I wept at the end of the book because I felt like God was telling me "Rebecca, where were you when I thought of/created Bennett? Where were you when I decided his purpose and number of days on this earth?". My soul settled from the constant wrestling when I finally accepted that I truly had no control over my life or anyone else's. I now believe in my heart God created Bennett to be on this earth for 1,564 days. I now believe in my heart that I could not recognize what was happening or stop Bennett from dying. This was God's plan and will. I certainly do not agree with it but God see's a bigger picture that my eyes are blinded to. Friend, you may not be able to see past this hour but let me tell you Jesus goes before you. He knows the minute by minute play of our lives. Why He doesn't intervene in certain situations...I don't know. We may never know this side of Heaven. I want to leave you with these verses as I find it comforting...

So we do not lose heart. Through our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Let Him be the light in your darkness,

Rebecca