Picking Up the Pieces

Don’t you hate it when you drop something so fragile like a glass bowl that it breaks into so many pieces? The initial shock of the glass bowl breaking startles you then you are left staring at the floor with big and little glass pieces everywhere. You think “how am I going to clean this up?”. You certainly can’t put it back together it like it was before.

You see, grief is exactly the same way. You are in total shock initially after an unexpected loss then once your brain can process what happened you are then left to pick up the remnants of your heart and life. This past year, our second year without Bennett, was just that…picking up and mending back the pieces. The fog of grief has now dissipated and reality has set in. Finding and picking up the pieces has taken a while and honestly, not all pieces have been found yet. I will still be finding pieces for years to come. Some days you find a big piece and it doesn’t cut as deeply then other times you find the tiniest piece and it cuts you to your core. You hear a song that reminds you of your loved one and tears fill your eyes. You walk in your loved one's room and the emptiness just screams at you. Holidays, birthdays, milestones, and death anniversaries just hit hard. If you have lost someone so dear to you I know you must feel the pain of navigating this life without them too. Trying to put your life back together after loss is so hard. The weight of this world while you are trying to grieve and navigate the grief journey can be so overwhelming.

One therapy session, our wonderful therapist had us simulate the process of a bowl breaking into pieces and then trying to put it back together. When Tyler & I tried to put this bowl back together we found that we couldn’t find all the pieces. The pieces we did find we tried gluing back together precisely the way it was before but it was impossible. It certainly took back the shape of a bowl but there was a huge hole left in the bottom of it. I certainly can identify with this broken bowl. I'm sure you can too. My heart has been reshaped and mended back together. It also has a hole left in it that will forever be there.

When I think back to us sitting in that therapy room silently gluing back together our broken bowl, I can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment for us. Not in a prideful way but in a compassionate way. My mind takes me back to what my heart felt during that time. I thought in that moment that this bowl was like our family and hearts...broken. I wasn’t sure that my heart could be somewhat put back together like that broken bowl but here we are 2 years after Bennett passed living out what God has called us to do. We are bringing purpose out of our pain and glory to Him. Friend, this is what God wants us to do. He wants us to praise Him and bring Glory to His name in our valleys just like we do on our mountain tops. God is good in grief and God is good in the wonderful moments of this life. He never changes. We don’t have to like the journey we have been called to walk but we certainly don’t walk it alone. You don’t have to put your pieces back together all by yourself.

The One who bled for you and me is the One who has sustained me. Jesus has bandaged up my cuts from trauma/grief and scar tissue is starting to cover them. My heart isn’t as neat and pretty like it once was before Bennett passed. It looks and feels different. It certainly has felt pain that I never wished to feel, but my heart has now been more sensitized to others in their pain whether it has been child loss or life’s struggles in general. There is beauty in the grief process and the mending of one’s heart. Growth can be gained from all the pain. You have to choose this though. You have to choose to grow in your grief. Grow through the pain by leaning into God’s word to sustain you through the roughest of waves. Friend, if you feel lonely in your grief journey please reach out to someone to help you through. The best way to heal a broken heart is to give Jesus all the pieces. Open your Bible and let God’s word speak to your heart. By doing so he will convey to you His love, comfort, grace, and mercy.

Let Him be the light in your darkness,

Rebecca