The Weighted Blanket of Grief

One particular morning, I was awakened by my alarm clock. I hit snooze then fell back to sleep. Eight minutes later I am awoken again by the blaring alarm. I immediately feel it before opening my eyes. The unshakable weighed blanket of grief that encompassed my whole body. Oh, what I would do to just stay right here in this bed and escape my reality of hell by going back to sleep. Instead, I must get up to start the day. I manage to get in the shower hoping that it will wash off the fatigue and grief so I can at least pretend to be somewhat put together. After getting ready, I rush out the door to take on other people's problems for the next 10 hours. Don't read this wrongly, I chose to be a nurse practitioner to care for others. I love caring for my patients but when someone is literally just trying to survive and put one foot in front of the other simple tasks become overwhelming. My colleagues were absolutely wonderful at protecting me against nonsense and work overload. I will forever be grateful to them but even then grief invades every single cell in your body and prevent you from feeling like yourself. Does this sound familiar? Simple day to day tasks become a mountain of misery? This my friend is a part of your grief journey.

If you haven't experienced losing someone you love so deeply then I want you to open your heart and mind to what your life would be like if you had. Think about the heaviest weighted blanket being draped around your shoulders and body. It is so weighted that you can barely lift your head. This is one aspect of what grief physically feels like. If you know someone who has lost someone and you can't understand why they just can't get it together please give them grace. Or if someone you knows looks like they have it pretty well together still give them grace. You never know, they may be hanging on by a thread behind the scene. I came across this picture the other day and I thought how appropriate...

This is me. This is me standing up for my award and accepting it with a fake smile on my face while hiding my deepest pain. I'm sure you could accept this award with me in the same manner as well. Have you fought back the tears just to save face? Have you had to look the other way because it was too painful to bear? Have you got up every day and faked a smile or laugh just to get through your day?

If so, I hope you know, my friend, that I am proud of you. It is so incredibly hard. If you are like me you want to put your emotions in a pretty little box just to get through the day. Then, in a safe place and time you release the gut wrenching pain and grief in private. You don't want the weight of what you are carrying to spill over into your daily relationships...I get it. I've been there. I've learned from counseling that it's not good to keep it all bottled up. The deeper the built up grief the more explosive your emotions may become. It's like a pressure cooker releasing steam. You have to let it go. Just like Elsa...let it go. However, let it go in a constructive way.

Write it out.

Exercise it out.

Talk it out.

Cry it out.

On the flip side, the release and processing of emotions of your heartache can be boxed up temporarily just to get through your day. I've said since Bennett passed that no one wants to see me as a basket case. Yes, unfortunately it does make people uncomfortable. Most people don't know how to handle people with deep grief. I have literally had people avoid me even when I've had a smile on my face. Hurtful? Yes. I know even though I "look normal" they don't want to risk breaking open the dam of emotions. I knew early on that I wanted to maintain my relationships and not have people shy away from me because I "couldn't keep it together". I was aware that this may happen to me if I wasn't able to pull myself together in important times, like work for instance. I knew my patients were counting on me to be professional and in a sound mind to make the best medical decisions for their well being so I was determined to do just that.

If you struggle with not knowing when to release your emotions, I challenge you to pray about how you will ride out the waves of grief. Certainly, release what you need to feel when you need to feel it but also know that you can temporarily box your emotions just to get through. Each persons grief journey is individualized and you have to do what's best for you. What I can say for certain is that Jesus is the lifter of our heads. On those days when you care barely get out of bed or put one foot in front of the other, look to Jesus and He will sustain you. In time the weighted blanket of grief does seem to becomes less and less. It is still there but you are able to carry it more easily.

I want to share with you one of my favorite quotes. It has reminded me that I can make it on the toughest of days.

I hope you know that you too can make it through your toughest battle or valley. Keep going my friend and keep growing in your grief.

Let Him be the light in your darkness,

Rebecca