How are we going to make it through this?

"How are we going to make it through this?", I asked my husband in tears as we were driving home from the hospital without our son, Bennett. Traumatized, my brain could not comprehend what had just occurred. An atomic bomb was just dropped on our world. My 4 year old son was dead. How could this be? He was a healthy kid who had just got sick 24 hours ago. He didn't show any warning signs of being critical until he went unresponsive. My brain was trying to sort out every little detail of the past 24 hours but all it could do was spin.

Friend, have you been there in the midst of tragedy wondering how you are going to make it through? Has the mountain set before you become too overwhelming that you just don't know how you are going to make it to the other side? Is your heart crushed and your head just trying to grasp any sense of normalcy?

Who do you turn to?

What do you do?

So often our brains during tragedy and trauma tries to protects itself. It has to in order to keep vital organs alive. Once the threat or trauma subsides to an individualized threshold the brain is able to process what has happened. Then the brain begins to find ways to cope. How you and I process this trauma and grief lays the foundation for how we move forward. Not move on but move forward. Do we embrace and dissect the trauma and grief in small pieces or do we shun away from it? I knew right away what my heart needed after Bennett passed...Jesus and counseling. I knew I had to have both in order to get through this. After Bennett's funeral when the chaos slowly began to subside my husband and I found ourselves sitting in front of a counselor. The room was trendy but calming with a pleasant scent. We were nervous and nauseous because we didn't know what to expect. We both found after that first session we felt understood and validated in our feelings. Yes, dissecting and peeling back the layers of our grief hurt like hell but it put us on the path to heal us like Heaven. Our child grief counselor gave us hope in our healing. I am not saying we are through our grief or are on the other side of it but we have been able to push through hard times because of our time in counseling. This process did not happen overnight nor was it easy. Grief and heartache aren't linear. It's a big jumbled up ball of emotions that waxes and wanes. Sometimes you are overwhelmed with sadness and other times you are able to smile with tears running down your cheeks. Who knew sorrow and joy could be interwoven and coincide. If you have not processed your heartache, I encourage you to. Yes, it is going to break you down but Jesus will build you up. If you haven't considered professional counseling, please do. If you are unable to go because of finances then seek out a pastor or look into non-profit organizations that may be able to provide it for you. The child grief counseling organization we went to is called Banebow in Brentwood, TN. Our counselor was able to help us work through so many heartaches with a different perspective which helped us grow in our grief.

Friend, I want you to find peace in your valley. During my darkest valley, I found reading helped calm my mind. I read God's word along with many kingdom minded books but one of the books I read was scientific based, The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD. It is quite an interesting read for someone who wants to dig deep into how the brain deals with trauma. It helped me understand why my mind wasn't able to fight back some of my issues surrounding Bennett's passing: anxiety, depression, and PTSD. That book introduced me to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This technique involves rapid eye movements to help rewire your thought process about a specific or traumatic memory. You do not lose sight of the memory but you are able to retrain your brain into a new belief about the memory. For me, it was rewiring my brain to truly believe:

1.    I am a good mom

2.    I did everything I knew to do with the answer/info I had at the time

I have found that some of my most traumatic memories of Bennett's passing have now softened after the EMDR. Child grief counseling, my time with Jesus, and EMDR moved me forward in my grief journey. It may help you in yours as well.

In addition to the therapies that serve as an outlet, you will need something that will fill the void in your aching heart. That my friend, is Jesus. You can avoid the pain of your heartache by working too much, drinking too much, or ________ too much (you fill in the blank). Your heartache will be unprocessed and stare you straight in the face if you don't grow through your pain. The key to getting through trials of this life are leaning in to His grace and mercy. Allow Jesus to seek out the darkness in you and bring light into the depths of your pain. So many people have said to me "I just don't know how you do it (live without your son)". My reply is this...it's not due to strength of my own but Jesus' strength that has carried me through. Do I still feel pain from my son's death? Every single day but I am able to walk with the pain because I know I will see him again in Heaven. For a parent who has lost a child the ultimate goal is to be with them again. Jesus is the only way for this reunion to occur. I pray that you trust the process of letting go of your fears and leaning into Jesus. He will see you through.

There are times where our hearts are hurting so deeply that we feel like we can't process it. It's just too painful to even touch with a 10 foot pole. Turning to harmful substance or bad habits aren't going to help you grow in your grief my friend. It will only numb what is buried in your soul. It is okay to seek treatment from a healthcare provider to obtain medication to help you get through. You are under a provider's care but turning to drugs, alcohol, substances, or risky behaviors isn't the answer.

If you are asking yourself "how am I going to make it through this" I challenge you do any or all of the following things:

·       Pray to God daily & in the moment when you feel like you just can't make it through. Even if it is as simple as "God, help me".

·       Read your Bible. If you don't like reading, listen to it. The Bible app allows you to read and listen for free.

·       Seek counseling and/or treatment from a healthcare professional.

·       Write down your thoughts or prayers in a journal or the notes section of your phone. It's good to release it.

·       Listen to Christian music. Check out FOR KING & COUNTRY, Toby Mac, Zach Williams, Lauren Daigle, Elevation Worship, Matthew West, Casting Crowns & Phil Wickham to name a few. Don't knock it until you tried it ;)

·       Get outside, walk, breath in the fresh air. Let the warmth of the sunshine hit your skin.

Let Him be the light in your darkness,

Rebecca