Can You Relate?

hello812772
Mar 28, 2024
4 min read

Updated: Apr 16, 2024

Can we have empathy when we don't see eye to eye with someone? I quickly found out what other bereaved parents warned me about just after Bennett passed...the hurtful comments or actions (or lack there of) from others. From family to friends to acquaintances to strangers. People just don't know what to say to those who are grieving. Don't get me wrong, we had many people sit with us in our hardest times and we are so grateful for these strong people. It truly does take an individual with a firm foundation to sit, listen, and console someone with deep emotions. I will forever remember the ones who called, messaged, and texted us on a regular basis to check on us far after the funeral was over. There are people to this day (nearly 2 years later) that are still by our side. But what about those that can't do that? What about the people who shy away from you? What about those who go MIA after the funeral?

Well, friend, let me tell you...this is hard. It is hard being the one grieving and I'm sure it is hard being the one looking from the outside in. I know some people feel like it is too hurtful to bring up my son to me who is no longer here. Maybe they feel like they are reminding me that he once lived? From a grieving parent's standpoint, it is more hurtful, in my opinion, for someone to never speak my deceased child's name or act like he never existed. Bennett is always on my mind whether someone talks about him or not. His memory is the only thing I have left to keep alive. It is truly a gift for others to tell funny memories of him or reminisce on him being on this earth.

I'll be honest, I've let this subject bring in more hurt and anger than I care to admit. One aspect of this is that I expect myself out of others. Well, that is a big mistake. I expected something out of someone and was hurt in return. I am still a work in progress on this issue. It's a day by day thing. I am mindful of my feelings and making the effort to work through it. Growing in my grief. What I have learned so far from my experience and therapy is that not all people are strong enough to sit in sorrow. Their past experiences (pain or trauma) or just their selfishness hinders them from being able to be there emotionally. Once this perspective was introduced to me, it allowed me to reframe my thinking on this subject. I went from purposefully distancing myself from them to allowing my heart to be vulnerable again to their presence. I went from anger and hurt to compassion and empathy.

Someone once told me that the ones who hurt me the most by not being there in my valley (that I thought would be) may have a valley of their own one day. They may be faced with tragedy and I may be their first phone call. If that does happen, I know the devil will try to whisper in my ear to treat them the same way they treated me, but instead I'll take the Jesus approach. I will be there for them because presence is the greatest gift of all. Being present shows you are investing time into that relationship. It is meaningful to you. Even if a word is not spoken it shows that you see the hurt and pain. Ultimately, you care. If you have been hurt in a similar way, I am so sorry. Friend, I've been there and are still there on some days. If you are someone who feels like you could have supported someone in their valley better please know that you can still make a difference in the relationship. I hope you know now that presence is so powerful. Even when you don't know what to say.

What about the ones who say hurtful things? Most of the time people don't realize what they are saying...

"Oh, your son is in a better place". Yes, I know he is but the separation from him is excruciating. Him being in Heaven doesn't take away my pain.
" Oh, good thing you've got a replacement (talking about my other son Hudson)". Bennett can never be replaced and Hudson is an absolute blessing on his own.
" Oh, you look better than the last time I saw you". Well, thanks? I'm just trying to survive and put one foot in front of the other (grief not only affects you mentally and emotionally but also physically).

I know people mean well but sometimes comments are better left unsaid. Everyone comes from different backgrounds and trials in life. That is what makes us all different, but it can also make us feel hurt when we don't understand where that other person is coming from. If you have been hurt like me, I pray you give that person that hurt you grace. Understand they may not be able to be there for you. You may in time show them the grace and support they never extended to you. I love the song Relate by for KING & COUNTRY. My favorite verses are below: